So...last night we wrapped up the HE & SHE series, and threw in a little q&a for good measure.
Basically, the punch-line last night was 'don't let attraction become a distraction'. Here was my outline, if you want to dig in a little. We got a little sidetracked, so we didn't cover everything that was in the notes. All contents were inspired by the Bible, I Kissed Dating Goodbye (by Joshua Harris), and What Do I Do When...Answering Your Toughest Questions About Sex, Love & Dating (by Kevin Moore)...
HE & SHE
…flirting, gushing, crushing & mushing…
What do you do when you like someone???
STOP LIKING THEM!!!! Just joking…not funny, right?
- Proceed with caution.
- Give them some space.
- Enjoy the moment. (most “like” relationships stay like that for 2 months, and “committed relationships rarely last longer than 1 year!)
Here are the dangers…
- You start making long-term plans in your mind.
- You get the physical party started too early.
- You get distracted from the things you really need to do.
- You can miss out on who God has for you.
Q. Can girls and boys talk to each other?
A. Of course they can! This question often hints at a misunderstanding between parents and church leaders. The issue isn’t talking. The issue is talking…and more talking…and more talking…and excluding others so we can keep on talking. So talk…in groups, without manipulating friendships to make sure that you and the guy/girl you want to talk to is in your group.
Communication breeds intimacy. You know and get intimate with God by communicating with him. This is true of any relationship.
However, there have been and will be times when parents will talk to us and let us know that their son/daughter will not talk to boy/girl. In that case, no, you can’t talk.
Q. Can guys and girls be best friends?
A. Unless they’re brother and sister, no. As we just stated, communication breeds intimacy.
Q. What about crushes? It’s natural for my kid to like someone, right?
A. Natural…yes. Appropriate…no. This is actually quite simple. TIMING. Now is not the right time for your son/daughter to have their mind or attention wrapped up in the opposite sex. They should give that energy to God and not waste it on a puppy-love fantasy! For a teenager, who is hopefully pursuing God to find out what their life’s assignment is, they simply have no future to offer anyone. Young adult guys, you aren’t qualified to court a young lady until you’re busy pursuing the assignment God has given you. This is impossible for a teenager, because the timing is obviously wrong, even if the person is right. A crush is all about feeding the flesh. Young adults…this applies to you just as much. If you’re crushing over someone, all you’re doing is feeding your flesh. If a relationship between a guy and girl isn’t about exploring God’s future and destiny, then its usury. Dating is about self-gratification. Courting is about discovering if God has called a man and a woman to the same purpose.
Q. But they are just like brother and sister…!?
A. “Just like” is the 2 most important words here. You can’t be just like a brother and sister unless you are brother and sister. Any guy who tries to defend his behaviour with a girl by saying that she’s just like a sister to him………is flat out lying!
Q. How far is too far?
A. This is why the idea of “technical virginity” is so popular in many so-called streams of Christianity. Let me flip it and ask you a question. How holy is too holy?
First of all, many teens and young adults head down the wrong road by asking the wrong questions. And let me just tell you where that road leads.
The Wrong Road
- You seek attention. This shows a major spiritual breakdown. If you have a healthy relationship with God, you won’t have the need for attention.
- You begin buying into lies about yourself to create excuses for your behaviour. For example, you’ll convince yourself that you’re lonely and that nobody really understands you. But as Pastor has said, loneliness is not an absence of affection, it is a lose of direction.
- You start asking the wrong questions like, “What’s so wrong with this?”
- You establish an emotional soul-tie with the person you like. This is very wrong and dangerous. God never intended for anyone to build a personal relationship with someone else soulishly (2 Corinthians 5:16 “…we regard no man according to the flesh…”)
- You engage in flirty behaviour. The honest truth is that flirting is actually sexual foreplay. Take the infamous “backrub”. Don’t go there. Why would a guy massage your back and not his 83 year old grandma’s? Because it’s sexual. And how about “tickle fighting”? Would a guy have a tickle war with his guy friends? Then why would he with you? Because it’s sexual. If clothes ever cover it, then it should never be touched! (In fact…you shouldn’t even touch! Oh, and don’t e-mail either!)
- Holding hands.
- Kissing.
- ...and on and on...
The end result is a relationship that’s purely sensual, because God wasn’t included from the beginning.
If you don’t include God from the get-go, you’re building on a foundation of sand.
Humans have been given desires by God, but when you mess around with these desires prematurely, you’re headed for major disaster.
Physically speaking…one thing naturally leads to another…so let’s avoid starting up the engine until it’s in God’s timing and with the right person.
Speaking of the right people, here are the latest statistics. 51% of marriages in North America end in divorce. The stats are the same for those call themselves Christians and for those who don’t. 51%. That’s over half. On average, out of 100 people, 20 marry their high-school sweetheart. 15 of those divorce! So teens don’t have a firm grip on reality and love…and they don’t even have a firm grip on themselves…they’re still exploring it. Puppy-love is not love. Puppy-love is hormones without restraint. For teens, love is like Bigfoot!
Healthy, godly male/female relationships are important, and they don’t happen by accident.
If male/female relationships begin with being inward facing, emotionally driven, and soulish…they are in trouble. You do not know anybody by facing them in this way. They will try to show you what they think you want to see. None of this is spiritually uplifting. It’s all self-centred. This is where crushes and hormones often take over.
This is not God’s design.
Instead of facing inward, your male/female relationships should be side-by-side. Side-by-side is a picture of true friendship, whereas face-to-face is a picture of intimacy. Male/female relationships should be side-by-side. The ideal place for this to occur is in church. As people serve the Lord together in their local church, this is where they find out who their friends really are. You know someone by serving alongside them. Side-by-side equals healthy male/female relationships, and this is where God joins hearts together…as they are busy about service the Lord. It’s not about hair color, facial features, and how incredibly funny he or she is. Get your eyes out of the soulish realm. God wants you to be fulfilled, not just soulishly, but more importantly, spiritually.
We need to re-read what the Bible says about holiness.
Ephesians 5:3 (NIV) “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”
1 Thessalonians 4:7 (NIV) “For God did not call us to be impure, but live a holy life.”
1 Peter 1:15 (NIV) “But just as He who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do.”
1 Timothy 4:12 (NIV) “Don't let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity.”
The true question should never be, “What can we get away with?”…it should be, “Is it possible for me to be too holy and too pure?”
If you’re truest desire is to love and please God, you wouldn’t do anything that would hurt him or others around you.
(Pull out gifts)
Think of it this way: You have a gift to give the special person God brings into your life. What’s the condition you want your gift to be in when the time comes for you to give that special gift away???
The gift represents all of the special talents and abilities you have. The gift represents your life and all of its experiences. The gift represents your emotions. The gift represents your sexuality. The gift represents your heart.
In what condition do you want your heart to be in when you give it to the person God has for you? And what if you only gave your heart away once? Most gifts haven been given away, and then the person they give it to breaks it, trashes it, and just uses it…then they get their gift back.
Remember where we started tonight?
Proverbs 4:23 (NIV) “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”
“Anna’s Story” taken from I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris
It was finally here- Anna’s wedding day, the day she had dreamed about and planned for months. The small,
picturesque church was crowded with friends and family. Sunlight poured through the stained-glass windows,
and the gentle music of a stringed quartet filled the air. Anna walked down the aisle toward David. Joy surged
within her. This was the moment for which she had waited so long. He gently took her hand, and they turned
toward the altar.
But as the minister began to lead Anna and David through their vows, the unthinkable happened. A girl
stood up in the middle of the congregation, walked quietly to the altar, and took David’s other hand. Another girl
approached and stood next to the first, followed by another. Soon, a chain of six girls stood by him as he
repeated his vows to Anna.
Anna felt her lip beginning to quiver as tears welled up in her eyes. “Is this some kind of joke?” she
whispered to David.
“I’m…I’m sorry, Anna,” he said, staring at the floor.
“Who are these girls, David? What is going on?” she gasped.
“They’re girls from my past,” he answered sadly. “Anna, they don’t mean anything to me now…but
I’ve given part of my heart to each of them.”
“I thought your heart was mine,” she said.
“It is, it is,” he pleaded. “Everything that’s left is yours.”
A tear rolled down Anna’s cheek. Then she woke up.
Posted on
Thu, February 24, 2011
by mr j